Clenched Fists to Open Hands

" Dear God, I am so afraid to open my clenched fists! Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to? Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands? Please help me to gradually open my hands and to discover that I am not what I own, but what you want to give me."

You Are the Beloved: Daily Meditations for Daily Living by Henri J.M Nouwen (2017)

Graduation season, with the long string of lasts and goodbyes, was accompanied by the inevitable growth of insecurity and a desperate clenching to anything that may survive the transition. Buildings that had housed influential professors became sacred structures, the written words of powerful writers became gospel, traditions became personal history, and a disappearing community seemed like the end of times.

In anticipation of this painful transition, I applied to the Mennonite Central Committee's SALT program looking to go really anywhere other than Seattle, WA. I applied to positions in Rwanda, Cambodia, Lebanon, and Israel; places and people that would be completely new and where I expected continuous movement and learning that would not allow me to slow down and remember.

Although I named Siliguri, India as a back-up preference, within days of submitting my application I got an excited response and an interview with the MCC India team. Before I knew it I had been sent an official offer and given five business days to confirm the placement. Five days seemed like more than enough time to build up the courage to tell them no. India was not at all the distraction and huge change that I thought I needed.

As those five days dragged closer and closer to the deadline, the reasons for wanting to go to Rwanda or Cambodia rather than India seemed more motivated out of this fear of return to anything that reminded me of what I had moved away from as a child. I watched my justifications dissolve into excuses, and slowly came to see India less of a running away and more like a running home of sorts. From Rwanda, Cambodia, Lebanon, Israel to India - I knew I had much to learn no matter where I would be placed.

Accepting the Mennonite Central Committee's offer of placement in Siliguri, India was accompanied by both an intense sense of peace and powerful feeling of loss for my time at Seattle Pacific University. Although I am only gone for a short time and I am excited meet my new family in Siliguri, a sense of loss comes from a recognition that my family and friends at Seattle Pacific had a huge hand in creating me into a person who is empowered enough to leave and who was loved well enough to love others as I continue to move through the world.

I am so thankful for the people in my life that remind me that I am more than what I own and I can exist beyond the communities I am surrounded by. Thank you for all who prayed, supported and donated to make this opportunity possible! I am excited to walk forward into this experience with hands open to give and receive all the love God has woven into this world.